Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord: Lord hear my voice!

When Zach and I were looking at moving to New York, we naively did not consider how busy he would be, and how that would impact driving an hour to go to the Latin Mass every Sunday. (Especially when two of the options are at the awkward time of 4pm.)

Since we moved here we've been to one traditional Mass. That was around the time there was much discussion between Society of St. Pius X and the Vatican, and the SSPX seemed to be closer to rejoining the rest of the Church. (Sadly, nothing has come of that yet, but we continue to pray!) With all of that going on, we thought we would see how the Mass at the nearest SSPX church was. It was hot, and very crowded, so we didn't get a very good impression of it. The caption on the picture of Marcel Lefebvre in the back did give me an off-vibe... "ni heretique, ni schismatique!" I know, I know, it was a Society church.

I never thought that attending a mainstream Novus Ordo Mass would leave me feeling the way it does, but here I am. I can now totally understand why Catholics leave the Church, some to nothing and others to more extreme traditionalist factions like the Society. Your typical NO Mass is awful (and Zach tells me that the Mass at our parish is pretty good compared to what he grew up with). It's an everyone-feel-good gathering filled with lousy music and little reverence. A part of me dies every time I see an altar girl. Or when the priests here pull out the card with the new translation so they can say the creed. I suppose I should be glad that that pastor is even saying the creed. For a while he was saying, "Do you all believe in the 12 articles of the creed? OK, good." and move on.

Our Faith has SO much to offer! Beautiful and ancient traditions! Glorious music: Gregorian chant, polyphony, old hymns....why are we listening to "I Am the Bread of Life" every Sunday when we have "Panis Angelicus"? "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence," anyone? 

All of my frustration came to a head the other day. Sitting on the couch with Tony sleeping on me, I had quiet time to just think. And cry. How did things get like this? What can I do to help them get better? Can I do anything but pray?

I want to help the liturgy become what it ought to be, but I realize that I can't do that while ignoring the spiritual well-being of my family. I feel so empty leaving Mass every Sunday. Usually remarking on something that annoyed me. I don't want to be like that. (It's not as easy as ignoring, or dealing with it...I love my Faith, and I know enough about the liturgy to know that some things are not right. It isn't simply preference for the Latin Mass; I would happily attend a properly said Novus Ordo Mass.)

When I had another meltdown voiced my concerns to Zach, he said we could go twice a month to the Latin Mass! Then he came back and said we would go as often as possible, at least twice a month. I am so relieved.

I don't know if I am an oddball who just can't handle the sacrifice of attending a bad Mass for a few years, but let it be a reminder to anyone who is looking at moving. Even if we had realized what it would be like to attend Mass here, we might've thought we could just deal with it. You tell yourself, oh, it's only five years. Well, yes, but five years is a lot of time to be in a spiritual wasteland! There are your children to think about, too. I certainly don't want Tony to think that altar girls are acceptable!

The first line of De Profundis fits how I have been feeling so well, hence the title. I have Seton High School's recording of it stuck in my head...so beautiful.

Love,

Jess