Living in the Here and Now

Today I started reading Dom Hubert Van Zeller's Holiness for Housewives (and other working women). I'm not two pages into the first chapter and already feeling a sting of shame. 

"If the mother looks upon her children as obstacles to the prompt response to grace, she is missing the whole point."

I don't look at my children as obstacles, but I make excuses for a lack of prayer in my life because I'm too busy taking care of Tony, tired and pregnant...the list goes on. And the days go by without a single spontaneous prayer.

"Your occupation, associates, material surroundings, health, and strength are there, are real, are the solids, are the substance from which the here-and-now house of God is to be built."

I don't know what I thought when I was single, but I don't think I realized how totally my time would not be my own as a wife and mother. How many more cares would be weighing on my mind. Until now, I've been waiting for that day when things slow down. When I'm caught up on housework and can sit down and meditate. IF that day ever comes, it will probably be the day that the dog chews up the 3rd pair of my sandals since April (true story). Prayer would be the best thing for me right then, but all I can think about is throwing the dog out the front door and sitting down to cry. 

This brought to mind other things I wish I had done before I was married. 

I poured everything into my job, but totally neglected to better myself. I didn't learn more about my Faith, I didn't really try to pick up new skills or study a topic I found interesting. I had camped out in the "waiting for a husband room" and let that be it. You don't realize how much valuable time you have lost, until it's long gone. It never comes back, and time is only more difficult to find when you have a home to care for.

After I was married, I thought about becoming a doula. But doing it with small children seems really daunting to me (though I know women who do - the lady who taught our childbirth class is a doula and had her baby in a wrap carrier while she taught our class). Looking back, I wish I had taken a weekend before I had children to worry about and gone to the class. Then when I have a break between nursing children I could do a birth or two. Maybe when we are out of here I will get a weekend to do it.

Life is so many stages. I suppose learning to be content is part of our struggle on this earth. What we will eventually realize is that no time is perfect. We need to take advantage of the time we are in. Live in the moment. Do everything we can to better ourselves. Learn all that we can.

Zach and I just made a commitment to live in the present. It's really easy to put things off because he has so much studying right now. But graduation won't be the end of being busy. We'll have a couple more children by the time we leave here, and will be trying to start a business. Life will be every bit as hectic, if not more. You won't catch me complaining about more date nights and trips to the park with Daddy.

Praying more is at the top of my priority list. I have a stack of holy cards ready to be taped around the house to help remind me (please don't laugh at my childish methods. I'm trying to get out of my slump). Reading more is probably second. Zach suggested a good book rotation - one theology, one fiction, and one health-related (since that's a passion of ours). I think that that will prove a good balance for me. I could read a Mary Stewart novel a day, but for me that's like eating brownies instead of a real meal. Enjoyable, but not giving my body any nutrients. One could even say, that like too many brownies, it is detrimental to good health, as fluffy fiction can make one wonder why their life isn't a romantic dream like the book. (This is not to decry reading fiction...I love fiction. I went through 3 MS novels in far less time than it took me to read the book on Anti-D. That's my problem.)

Speaking of brownies, my Mom has now added her praises to the brownie recipe on Like Mother, Like Daughter. Since I have a bag of white flour in my pantry (thanks, Mom) and sugar that I bought for kombucha, I'm feeling like a naughty splurge might be in order tonight...maybe under the excuse that I'm celebrating these...

I'm so proud! Zach works incredibly hard, and even though things can get really crazy, he still finds time to at least have dinner with us every day. I'll be at the Convocation ceremony in the fall with a little baby and a wiggly toddler to see him receive his Phi Chi pin.

Love,

Jess